It has been a good month of reflection, being myself¬– and free. At the beginning, I really wanted to pen down my thoughts running through at that moment. Now, I am glad I didn’t. Mainly because I know those thoughts that kept resurfacing and replaying like a broken record were because of the change, and penning it down immediately wouldn’t do anyone good. I was mad, or maybe I still am, I’m not really sure myself. The initial part was hard, but I wasn’t crying. Some sadness here and there but no, I didn’t sob hysterically or anything that sort.
I did however, cried once for a short while, it was tears filled with disappointment and anger. There were issues in between and outsiders only chipped in to make things even more negative as it is. I can very positively say that the chances of having a friendship is near zero, or even, zero.
Yes, I am selfish. I’ve known that for a while now. I found out when I made my mistake over a year back. My mistake took a toll on me and I wasn’t healed before I decided to follow my heart (at that moment) blindly. I guess the best word to describe me at that point of time was: Desperate. My heart needed a shelter, a safe place. Was it a rebound? Maybe. Even so, there was love and genuine feelings involved. It took a long time for me to heal completely and to forgive myself. Just a few days ago, it was crystal clear to me that I have finally forgiven myself; the incident and the people involved.
I am truly apologetic for the people involved and the ones I’ve dragged down. Fingers can be pointed at me, I wouldn’t mind. However, keep in mind that, I didn’t force anyone to agree to anything. When people sign on an agreement or tick the box of “I agree to the terms and conditions”, they don’t really understood or even went through the terms and conditions. That was what you signed up for, too. This is a selfish thought but I strongly felt that it is a hard truth. From the very beginning, I never claimed to be saint. I belong to one of the worst kind of humans in this world and I will always have that stain on me.
This whole month of reflection made me accepted whom I am and that I liked attention– to a certain extent. Personally, I felt that it takes a lot of courage to admit to this. I do think that I have a pretty moderate to high level of pride and ego; thus, I pulled out a lot of courage to admit to this openly. However with that being said, it doesn’t mean that I love attention. I like knowing the fact that people know I exist and I like my presence known– to people that I am comfortable with. I’m not quite sure of how to put my words across in what kind of attention that I like, but I’m absolutely not a fan of being in the center of attraction. I just like the attention from my friends. Also, I know that I don’t like to be lonely although there are many times I prefer to be left alone. It’s not easy to try to figure out a person and I am still in the midst of trying to understand myself.
Moving on, I know how people are saying that I am not upset about my break up and status of being single. And the fact is, I’m not upset. It has in return, been a major relief. Towards the end of the open relationship, I was feeling so suffocated, controlled and lifeless. I couldn’t be me. I needed to breathe. I have been selfish and thoughtless to think that the other party could accept an open relationship. He didn’t see the relationship the way I did. I thought I made a clear understanding to move on subtly over time. At the same time, I do feel guilt as I kept receiving feelings that I do not deserve. I never deserved those in the first place. It was then I finally knew I needed to stop receiving them completely. The guilt was eating me up that I was miserable for a while. I am glad it ended. I’m not sure what others think of me, but I decided I couldn’t be very much bothered anymore.
After all that happened, I have decided to give my heart a rest– a good one. A long lasting relationship requires so much more effort and I know I don’t have the ability to do that. Being alone for a while allows me to think through tons of stuff and it allows me to find back myself. I am reprioritizing what matters first in my life, and what doesn’t. Love is the last on my list.
I have a lot more of thoughts in my head, but I’m sleepy and I’ve dragged this post for a few days now. This post is jumbled everywhere and I know some of it don’t make much sense unless you knew of what really happened to me all these years. Some sentences are meant for certain events and people while some are just my thoughts in general. I just wanted to write everything I could down, as this is my only ‘diary’ I have that I have noted down my life events and whatnot.
It’s getting late. x
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