2026 .1

five am thoughts got me here again.

the first —

too young

didn’t know better
not careful enough with something that fragile

i broke it
that’s the truth that doesn’t change

not the ending—
but how it ended

sharp
sudden
no way to take it back once it happened

i don’t miss it the same way anymore
but i still flinch at the memory of it

of how easily i ruined something
that deserved a gentler ending

the second —

wrong time
we both knew it

i knew it 
just didn’t say it out loud

three months
nothing solid
but it felt like something that could have been

we were quiet

we enjoyed the peace 

we embraced the little time we had

easy
warm
dangerous in that quiet way

no big ending
no fight

just space growing where something should have been

messages fading
effort thinning
until there was nothing left to hold

and that’s it

no mistake to fix
no one to blame

just timing
just almost

and these are the memories i missed

i hold dear to

that i hoped they deserve a much 

much better ending

it’s all

but

an echo

a what if.

2026

It’s been such a long time since I’ve been here! I do pop by this little space once in a while when I get bored (or more of when I can’t sleep and my mind starts to wander at random stuff, lol) and get myself entertained reading at my younger self’s thoughts. It’s pretty amazing how much time has passed, and so much has changed since then. 

Somehow as I grow older I seem to have lost the interest to document down everything in my life. Which I felt that kinda sucks because I actually do enjoy reading the stuff I wrote down here. I won’t be able to remember every single stuff that happened in my life so it’s nice that I still get to get reminded on my past a little whenever I come into this space. Also, I don’t think anyone else actually still comes here to read anymore. This space feels like my private yet not-so-private little space and I like that. 

I used to be a person that loves expressing my feelings and thoughts but I haven’t been able to do that for a long time… Putting my feelings out here always makes me feel better and over the years I forgot such a space existed. But I guess that’s ok seeing how I’ve managed to silently get through the hard times throughout the years and still surviving. 

Anyways, what got me here to this space today was because I got reminded of my past that still haunts me every now and then. I guess I may never get pass this…? It’s been over a decade and it still gets me at times. I really do wish I was wiser back then otherwise I wouldn’t have made such a stupid mistake that costed my relationship. As I always say, I don’t feel regretful over that relationship. I feel regretful on how it ended. It was a relationship that was never meant to last till marriage but the least I could have done was to end it on a nicer note. 

They say firsts are always the hardest. I guess that’s true… I’m still sorry for what I did. And I do hope he’s the happiest he’ll ever be now. 

I wish happiness for you. I truly do. x

04:50

Does happiness finds one, or does one find happiness? Are humans truly able to decide on their fate based on their choices, or are they forced to accept it even if it did not felt right – because it is the easiest, safest and most convenient way for everyone? You save on the emotional roller coaster ride and there is no need to explain to anyone on why you want to decide on your own life choices. At which point do people really decide that they want to live their life the way they want to? To live it only for themselves, and not anyone else? How do people build up the courage to step out of their comfort zone, drop everything on hand, and go pursue what they felt was truly right for them?