When I was young, I never understood how is it that in movies or drama series, those actors can fall in and out of love; have a few boyfriends, or even, marriage in their life. When I stepped into secondary school, my mind started to develop further and it finally understood that people don't only fall in love once and have their happily ever after like I've always thought. I never once found the need to love someone or feel loved by someone in a special way and I've never had an actual relationship until I went into poly.
Do I regret my first relationship? No, I don't.
Do I regret going into a relationship at that point of time? Yes, I do.
Although I came to realisation that not everyone get their happily ever after in the first relationship, I've still always wanted mine to be that way. I wanted a one-time, perfect and understanding relationship. But I wasn't ready for it at that point of time. I was never ready to commit and I was never mature enough to deal with relationship or anyone else's heart and happiness. This realisation of me being unable to commit to anyone only dawned upon me pretty recently. If I knew of this when I was younger, I wouldn't have gave my all. At that point of time, I thought that by giving in all that I could, things would changed and be the way I wanted it to be. No, things doesn't work that way, and I was clueless about that fact.
Through the two years of some happiness, and me pouring in all of my heart and soul into someone I thought I might spend the rest of my life with, I was thoroughly drained off. Every atom in me lost its strength and soul. I focused on the negativity so much that I can hardly remember any happy memories left right now. And that, is one of my life regrets. In the two years, I wasn't thankful and appreciative. I was spoilt and pampered by my parents that I brought it into my relationship and demanded from my partner. There were many times that I drove my partner near insanity due to my actions.
I wouldn't blame my then partner for who I am today because it was all my own choices that led me here. If I was more sensible and understanding, things might have been better. The relationship was bound to end anyway, but if time were to be able to turn back, I wished I handled the relationship better and ended off better. This way, I wouldn't have destroyed myself in that two years. And that being said, I even went off and started another relationship when I had zero capability to even handle another person while I am empty. I could have saved another heartbreak if I had learnt how to handle being alone but no, I was selfish and decided to use someone for my comfort.
I was so selfish that I couldn't see what damage I was putting through on my first partner. He was recovering, and I promised him that I wouldn't find someone new in a short period of time, but I did. Yet, he still wished me well and said that he felt genuinely happy for me. All that I could say to him is still the same three words– I am sorry. I don't regret being in a relationship with him, but I regret not being sensible enough to be in a relationship with him. At least if I were sensible, there would be happier memories, I wouldn't have destroyed myself and I could move on without any baggage.
Now, I'm still broken as ever, but I finally found the pieces that I needed to piece back. I found the answers that I've always needed for myself. I'm not ready to love, yet. I'm not even sure how I am going to heal myself, but I need to, or I can't move on to anyone else. I hope for the best for my previous partners, and that I will not become a topic for them to quarrel about although I do know that I'm being blocked off by one of them (probably due to the girlfriend?) everywhere in social media. I hope that they get their happily ever after and don't make the wrong choices like I did.
I will work towards to fix and make myself a better person, daughter, friend and future girlfriend for someone else. And may you, too, k.
Hello Ivy!! I don’t know if it’s even appropriate for me to write this out, as we aren’t eeven close at all and that this is your private little space. But I’ll still write it anyway!! I hope it doesn’t irk you in anyway. I used to read your blog back in the days when i still played mstar, but stumbled upon it today, and think that there are some interesting reads here.
ReplyDeletePeople might be afraid to love again because of bad experiences, but they still seek for that fateful one whom they can spend their time happily with. When someone makes your heart flutter, resist as you may, the temptation of trying to risk your already broken heart in another attempt to love might prove hard to overcome.
We look at our own flaws in harsh ways, that we do not have the capability to love or should be loved when someone great comes into our lives. But that’s what love is, right? Acceptance. To be willing to accept the flaws of the person and live with it. Everyone has their flaws, be it obvious or not, or simply yet to be discovered. So don’t think much about yours!
And that wanting yourself to be happy, shouldn’t be termed as being selfis. Yes, we all can be selfish for a lot of things. But protecting yourself and wanting yourself to be happy isn’t one of them. Everyone does this. So to those who made Ivy feel bad by calling her selfish when all she wants was to feel a little better? Don’t we all do? We make choices and go down paths to make us happier in our lives. And not all choices were right, or moral, and they dont sound right to everyone.
Ohno I think I typed too much.
Although my memory isn't helping very much right now but I roughly know who you are. And thank you for this, Gene.
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