02:50

A few weeks ago, I decided to privatize my blog­–the space that I always come to whenever I felt like pending down my feelings and thoughts. I felt like my space was very much invaded although it is an open space that everyone and anyone is able to view. I really love writing, which is why I started a blog in the first place. However, I never expected people to pry too much into my life. Like someone said, I am an individualist. Which naturally, made me to prefer things to be dealt with by myself unless I wanted help from people. People care about me and I know that very well. All the care given to me, I honestly appreciate them very much but I am just unable to accept them. It might be my pride and my ego but it is just not in me to want help.

A lot had happened for the past few months and I finally learnt not to trust anything anyone says. Everyone is two-sided, including myself. Human beings are really dangerous creatures. It is always hard to ignore whatever people talk about you no matter how hard you try. A small part of it will always get to your head. Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions, but when their opinions are about you, you will tend to get more conscious and alert.

I have been called selfish. I do not deny that. But who is not? I am pretty sure everyone is selfish about something in his or her life. I am selfish about many things, but I also try to be selfless on many things. I have done things that should not be done in the past that caused myself pain and I also have learnt my lesson in loving a person. That amount of pain is not something I would like myself to go through a second time because it does not brings me happiness. Therefore, I learnt to be selfish and to protect my heart. To me, it is for my own protection due to my fear. And to others, it comes off as selfish. I am not sure if I should be mad or I should be disappointed in trusting the people that I thought should know better of me to think of me that way. Am I wrong to be selfish? I admit I do not have the courage and bravery to overcome my fear but should I be punished? I am really not sure.

Obviously I had been badly affected by being called selfish by not just one but a few people. No one likes to be called selfish, do they? I did it out to protect myself and I am just really sad to know that people mistook it in another way.

Through this, I learnt to never trust and confide the people closest to me. In this world, you honestly only have yourself and no one else. I am no saint and the 3AM thoughts that my mind projects to me is no saint either. But I would rather let my mind destroy myself, than to let people destroy me. I would rather trust my destructive brain, than to trust anyone else.

To think that I even wanted to dedicate a whole post for you, but you smashed me into pieces that I decided to withdraw it out from here. If one day, I decide to forgive you, and myself, I might place it back up. Right now, you definitely do not deserve that seeing how quickly you decided to let opinion of others of me to get to you so easily. I thought you were better than that.

I am on a mission to pick up the pieces of myself and to find my worth in this world. Alone.