For my whole life of nearly 22 years, I fell in love with three different people. When I meant love, I am talking about intimate relationship type of love and not the friendship ones.
The first: I fell for him way back when I was still a young girl. I always thought it was a puppy love until things got to another level after a few years. Everything between the both of us always happened at the wrong timing, we had absolutely no fate to be happy together. At one point of time I was really broken and devastated but I guess I pretty much moved on with some takeaway from this I-do-not-know-what-it-is-called relationship. I saw the uglier side of humans and I learnt to make wiser choices. He was a love I wished I never fell in love with.
The second: I will be honest and say that I put in the most effort for this person and we were in a relationship. It is pretty much obvious who it is if you have been my friend for the past 3 years or so. I loved him dearly but I had to lose him. Those that knows me well should know clearly that I have a really bad temper and he got the first hand of it as well. I admit I have a ton of flaws and overall I am not that good as a lover but I did tried my best because he was my first serious boyfriend. He is not expressive and I know he do not love me as much as I love him. I cling onto him like a glue and I could not let go for a long time because he was my best friend, buddy, listener, shoulder, comfort zone and my lover.
We knew we will not last. Well, at least that is what I know of. We are two different person that see things completely differently and we never matched. Everything about us clashed so badly. I was badly hurt for countless of times. There was so much pain involved. I was no saint, neither was he. The decision to end the relationship came from me and it was because I had no choice due to certain events and he knew about it. No matter how much I love him, we have to come to an end eventually. It really is for the better for the both of us. He was a love that I loved the hardest by far but there was just too much hurt to keep things going.
The third: When it came to my third love, I am at the point whereby I went through certain experiences that made me changed a little here and there to be who I am today. I learnt the most from falling in love twice that to never to love a guy more than he loves me.
One of my aunt once had a perfect faithful, loyal and loving husband. No one ever thought anything could go wrong with their perfect life. But well, nothing is really perfect. It turns out he had an affair and my aunt was absolutely heart broken when she knew about it. She loved him more than he loved her, it was obvious. She attempted suicide so many times because of one guy that no one ever thought he would fucked things up.
It is not this incident that made me changed but it was an example of why I would rather have a guy to love me more than I love him. When it comes to love for me, I expect to love once and for good. I poured in so much for my first two love to only get more pain in return and honestly I am extremely terrified to love harder now. I did not choose to fall in love for the third time so quickly. My mental wounds are still pretty fresh up to date and it is not fair to my third love, I know.
Well for my third love, he is the sweetest and seriously treats me like a queen. I have never felt this blessed and the amount of love he is giving me cannot be compared to the amount of love I have for him. He knows this yet, he is still showering me with his unconditional enormous amount of love. Sure we do not see things eye to eye some times but we try to compromise with each other to make things work out for us. Actually no, he tries to compromise with me and give in to me most of the time. What did I do to deserve someone like him, I have no idea, but I am hoping not to lose him like how I did with the first and second.
One day, I hope I will be strong enough to give him the amount of love that he deserves to receive from me. I know a man's patience has its limits and I want to make things work before I lose anyone else dear to me. I cannot afford to lose another love and most of all, not you.
Iv x
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