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Today, I decided to brush off the thick layers of dust resting on top of my laptop just for the sake of writing a decent update and I am hoping very much that whatever that is in my head right now can stay in my head till the end of this very post. I am not a person that can manage and organize my thoughts very well because I tend to over think too much and then poof the next moment my thoughts are gone.

I must say first that I am a pretty emotional and over-thinker kind of person. I think a lot and it's really a lot. To the extend that I can be cheerful and full of smiles one moment and the very next, I become someone that sees all the negative sides of life. You can pretty much say that I am optimistic only on selective days. I think people that usually know me and see me often, will not even think that I am depress or anything like that because I look pretty fine when I am in front of people. Maybe it is due to the fact that I am used to pretending that everything is okay to me, that it became too much of a norm and this facade somehow became a permanent part of me (not quite sure if I made sense).

This year, I am turning 21 years old. It is one of the biggest milestone in my life and let's just say that I will be able to live to the age of 80 years old, I would have already been through a quarter of my life and I have just another 3 quarters left. What have I accomplished for the first quarter? Studying. I spent all of my first quarter studying and my next quarter is going to be a really independent ride because that is when I will be getting a real full-time job and then hopefully, getting into a relationship, and build a family. To be really honest, I am scared as hell because I have never really imagined or planned my life this far. I have always only thought about my life till the point when I get a diploma, which I did. Which was why a few months back I got literally lost in my life but of course, I managed to find my way out, somehow. And I am not quite sure how I did it actually.

So the next quarter in my life is a huge mystery as of now. I have a little plan right now of how I think my next few years will be... But it is just a plan based on what I feel and think at this very moment. Who knows, maybe some time later something really major happen and my plans changed? To the people that are curious of what my plan is, please do continue to be curious because I do not actually plan on letting a huge number of people to know of it. As we all know, humans judge a lot. I am tired of answering people's judgement of me. Like the popular phrase, 'You know my name, but not my story'. For those that already knew of what I actually plan on doing, well, good for you!

And well, for the relationship part of my plan... I have no plans for it, yet. I am very tired and worn out from relationships right now. Feelings are some times really too much for me to handle and I do not think I am capable of handling it well at all. Perhaps the time just is not right at this moment. I just got to wait and see what fate has got for me, I guess.

However, my previous relationship honestly made me grew. I am not trying to make myself sound like I am oh-so-freaking-mature here but hey I think I really did grew mentally. Now and then I will always look back at the past me and I realized how naive and immature I always used to be. My ex-boyfriend was a huge helping hand in making me grow so much as a person although I still got to learn how to give out much more to people. If I have not been through that relationship, I frankly believe that I will always and still be that extremely naive and immature little girl. I see things better and from different points of view compared to the past whereby I only think all about myself and nothing else. I learnt how to appreciate people and what I have around me more than I do in the past. I learnt how to compromise and give in when it is needed to make things end off with a better note. And most of all, I experienced and learnt what is it like to love, be in love and to be loved. I will always be thankful to my ex-boyfriend, the one that taught me all of these unknowingly, and the one that loved me despite of all my ugly flaws.

Anyways, if any of you have been checking on Facebook regularly, I believe you guys will see quite a number of people sharing posts from either Elite Daily or Thought Catalog, right? I have seen so many people sharing posts from either of these sites and it is this one that somehow hit me the most. I am a person that do not handle very well with departures of people. Every person that is able to connect with me is special to me in a way or another. Whenever someone that I hold on close to and then somehow things changed and we drifted away, I will tend to feel like somewhere in me felt a little emptier. I hold onto memories and people quite dearly and close to my heart. I hate separations. But over time, I managed to accept the fact that not everyone and everything I once met or had will stay with me forever. This post managed to put all of my thoughts into words. It is this sentence that hit the bull's eye of what I felt towards people.

"I realized that people come into your life for a reason and spend the time they're meant to spend with you that they're meant to spend. When they're no longer in your life, it's because they're no longer supposed to be there." 

*****

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