01:28

It is now that I finally fully realised that I no longer believe in love. Don't get me wrong here, because there was once upon a time that I do believed in love very much. But I guess there will always be someone or something that makes a person change to who he or she believes in, right?

Whenever I see old couples on the streets being sweet and thoughtful with each other, some part inside of me wanted to be like them–to be able to have another half to share my load with, to spend the rest of my life with–while another part of me very much believe that I'll be better off alone. Being alone brings me peace, freedom and allow me to be myself without having the need to worry about another person's intimate feelings and safekeeping their hearts with me. I'm not capable of holding on to someone else's heart. No matter how much I wish I have someone here with me on my rainy days, I know that I'm far from deserving that. I've made a wrong decision once, and I don't want to repeat that again.

"Until somewhere along the line, something goes wrong. Something inside of you breaks in the place where it has always only bent and in a swift, unexpected instant, your heart falls cleanly apart.

The truth about these kinds of heartbreaks is that they don’t bring the raw form of pain that you’re used to. It’s not the excruciating hurt, mind-numbing disbelief or short-lived anger that you’re used to going through at the end of a relationship. It isn’t a fiery, passionate emotion that you can empower yourself back from the brink of. It’s something much quieter and subtler. It’s the acceptance of the idea – from some deep place within you – that maybe love isn’t what you thought it was.

That if you can fight that hard, for that long, with someone you care about that much and still have it all fall to pieces, maybe there isn’t much left out there to hope for. Maybe love doesn’t really conquer anything. Maybe it’s all just some grandiose idea we made up to sell jewelry and distract ourselves from the painful realities of living. Maybe none of it was ever built to last.

It’s like this quiet, certain part of you that believe in love for all of those years just packed up its bags and moved out in the middle of the night. You no longer feel guarded, apprehensive or excited about the prospect of meeting someone new. You just feel indifferent. You see the ending from the starting line and the race no longer seems to be worth running."

– (source)

What I am feeling, all these above are the better words to describe them. Love just doesn't seem like it's a race for me to take part in anymore. I've stopped loving because I'm afraid of it. I guess the first major heartbreak took a huge toll on me and it instilled a fear in me; encrypted in my heart. As long as I don't walk out from it, I've never love fully and wholeheartedly again. If there is someone that is meant to be my other half somewhere in this world, I sincerely hope that you'll find someone to make you whole. Being alone may be nice, but it will come a time that you wished you had someone to go to–someone to love and be loved by them. I do want to fall in love. I want to experience the fiery, passionate love. But I can't. I'll be fine surviving on my own. Well, I have to, even if I can't.