03:04

In the midst of being flooded with studies and work, there has been another thought that constantly pops into my mind like a broken record that keeps playing the same old stuff.

Will I ever fall in love again? 

Or a better way to rephrase it, will I ever meet my companion–the one that I will spend the rest of my rest with–if there is any?

My conscious mind is clear and knows that I'm in no condition to love another person unless I'm able to love myself first whereas my subconscious mind is desperate for love; seeking for a safe shelter that I can run to on my bad days. Some days it gets to the point that I can't even differentiate what my conscious mind wants exactly.

There has always been a reason why my past two relationships didn't work out between my previous partners and I. Before anyone start making up stories or pointing fingers, please note that I was the one that broke things off for both relationships. Sure, there were misunderstandings and arguments here and there but things can definitely work out if I wanted to put in the effort and patience needed for the relationship to last. Notice that I emphasised "if I wanted"? That's because I didn't want to. Perhaps deep down, I wasn't ready for anything serious or I might just have some real high sky expectations of a 'perfect' relationship at that point of time.

I would find faults in every small little detail that I deemed as not 'perfect' in my point of view. My previous partners always give in to me and my ridiculous attitude. Thinking back, it was really amazing how they even tolerated my shitty self. I have always been thankful for them, although we never worked out eventually but after all, they contributed to who I am to this very day–good or bad. The only regret that I have up till date to them, was not letting them know that I couldn't do the serious relationship and end up in a marriage that I knew would definitely end up with separation.

Frankly speaking, I have absolutely no idea why I can't commit to anyone and I'm still trying to figure out that part. It could probably be the early adulthood life that I'm afraid of; the commitments needed to secure your future. I know I'm not ready to go full fledge into the working adult world, which is why I chose to go back studying for another 2 years. Or it could be that I didn't want to be tied with anyone.

Of course, I don't forget that my subconscious is constantly seeking for a potential human shelter for me all the time. Obviously one day, my subconscious thought will definitely turn into my conscious thought. When? I don't have an answer. But I do wish that I will settle down one day and form my own family as well. Till then, I sincerely do hope that my future companion–whoever you may be, even if I've met you, or not, yet–will be happy and well. I'll be meeting you halfway, some day. Patience will guide me to you and faith will let us cross paths one day. xo